Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
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ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I鈥檓 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
my one true gender
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I鈥檓 not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we鈥檒l be fine
You know you鈥檙e the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
put ‘er there pardner!
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…馃憞
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
The booster protects against what, now?
[18 years after texting a guy 鈥淚鈥檓 pregnant鈥漖
Him: hey I just saw your text
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner鈥檚 grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren鈥檛 going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6