My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
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*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
this post was so formative to me