Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
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It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Not today
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?