[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
🤣🤣💀
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Worth a try
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Tastes like chicken.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles