“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
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If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”