When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
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*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.