[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
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Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
ok like just. call me at this point
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Camping tip: No.