[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
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I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.