ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
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The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD