(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
You Might Also Like
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
This is my bus stop.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?