We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
You Might Also Like
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs: