i wish all
whales
a very
big
You Might Also Like
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample