don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
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just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?