When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
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[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.