[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
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Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
want me to check your oil?
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
New Tinder profile.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Lol
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*