Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
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i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
cry laughing at this shit
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
181.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.