I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
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This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery