My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
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I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!