While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
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Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.