Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
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Beware…..
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy