being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
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Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart