the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
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*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”