Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
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So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Your secret is safeish with me
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.