I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
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[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
everyone has that one prude friend
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed