“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
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If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.