Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
You Might Also Like
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
are there any atheist mantises?
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers