Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
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My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane