Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
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Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.