Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
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Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
me when I see my crush
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.