Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
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COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Trying
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.