My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
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i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?