My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
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Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
#MeanwhileInCanada
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Not all heroes wear capes.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party