wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
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Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
plums roundup
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.