Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
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[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.