Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
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Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Life cycle of cat
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
as is their right
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.