I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
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My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
channeling her this year
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
there has never been a better use of this meme
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton