Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
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Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.