[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
You Might Also Like
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.