The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
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I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.