[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
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Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti