(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
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flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!