Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
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No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.