first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
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The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….