The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
You Might Also Like
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?