my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
You Might Also Like
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
me hooking up with my ex
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?