ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
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I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.