Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
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there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I finally found a reason to live again.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is