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Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Self-cleaning conscience
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.