“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
me before I type out affect or effect
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.