I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
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me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…